PSYCHED OUT

Having a positive sense of self-worth

by Keith A. Oliver, Ph.D.

Self-esteem: What is it and where do I get some? Self-esteem is how we feel about ourselves. Not necessarily what we intend to project to others, although both our verbal and non-verbal communication can and often does reflect our sense of self, but how we really feel about ourselves. Sometimes, we are able to fool others about how we really feel, and sometimes we can even fool ourselves. Fooling yourself is more dangerous. It is important to have a positive sense of self or self-worth to enhance life and to foster healthy relationships.

Our self-esteem is shaped from the moment we are born. How we are treated by our parents or caretakers, the messages we hear from others, and what we see on TV and in the movies, all impact how we perceive ourselves and thus affect our selfesteem. We live in a world that is far from perfect. Even those with the best of intentions have at times given messages that negatively impact self-esteem. When we add the impact of growing up in a heterosexist society, it is a wonder that any of us were able to acquire any positive sense of self.

As adults we must actively cultivate a positive sense of self. We must undo the negative messages we learned as children and reject the onslaught of negative messages we continue to receive. As adults we are usually aware of the overt attacks to ourselves. However, there are many subtle ways in which our sense of self is attacked, and often we are not aware that this is occurring. For our community, the subtle

denial, and lack of affirmation.

Since our control over others is limited, it is up to us as individuals to affirm ourselves and each other and to take an active role in enhancing our self-esteem. There are a lot of ways to develop and enhance self-esteem. The strategies often seem simple. Some are. However, it takes a lot of hard work to successfully improve our self-esteem.

One strategy that is very important is to be aware of our "self-talk," that is, what we say to ourselves out loud and in our mindsmessages like "I'm stupid," or "I'm ugly." You may want to ask some close and trusted friends what they hear you say about yourself and let you know when you are saying something negative. Also, pay attention to your own thoughts and the negative or critical statements you make about yourself. Awareness is the first step in changing these thoughts to more positive, affirming

statements.

A second strategy is reality testing. Are we really responsible for this or that? Was that rejection last night really because I'm worthless? By engaging in reality testing, we learn a lot about ourselves and possible thoughts we might want to change or about skills we may want to improve or develop. Developing new skills or improving existing ones gives us the tools to advance our self-esteem. Thus the process builds on itself, and with continued hard work, a healthy, whole, positive person emerges.

But remember, change is gradual. It is important to be patient, loving, forgiving, and nurturing of yourself in the process.

Dr. Oliver is a psychology assistant with Mark Harris and Associates in Columbus.

OCTOBER 1, 1993 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 15

STONEWAL

THU

LEVELAND